Jokes

After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database

2010-05-03T20:20:00.001-07:00

After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit.
Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back.
When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right.
The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."

Advertisement: Dog for sale.

2010-05-03T20:19:00.009-07:00

Advertisement: Dog for sale.
Really gentle.
Eats anything.
Especially fond of children.

Adding Up by Juan & Juan

2010-05-03T20:19:00.007-07:00

Adding Up by Juan & Juan

Adam: How did Mummy know you hadn't had a bath?

2010-05-03T20:19:00.005-07:00

Adam: How did Mummy know you hadn't had a bath?
Eve: I forgot to dirty the towel, wet the soap and flood the bathroom.

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage.

2010-05-03T20:19:00.003-07:00

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage.
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

Aching Joints by Arthur Itis

2010-05-03T20:19:00.001-07:00

Aching Joints by Arthur Itis

Aches and Pains by Arthur Ritis

2010-05-03T20:18:00.009-07:00

Aches and Pains by Arthur Ritis

Accountant after reading nursery rhymes to his young child: No, son.

2010-05-03T20:18:00.007-07:00

Accountant after reading nursery rhymes to his young child: "No, son.
When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep that wouldn't be tax deductible, but I like your thinking".

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.

2010-05-03T20:18:00.005-07:00

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S.
Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed.
The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash.
Biol.
Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds.
I think it was a crow.
I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

According to The Australian, an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.

2010-05-03T20:18:00.003-07:00

According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.
The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.
The vibration stopped immediately.
A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating.

2010-05-03T20:18:00.001-07:00

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating.
If anything, it's getting worse.
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.
Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and it is (you guessed it!
) going for a song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop.
Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

Abraham wanted a new suit, so he bought a nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a tailor.

2010-05-03T20:17:00.007-07:00

Abraham wanted a new suit, so he bought a nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a tailor.
The first tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured Abraham, then told him the cloth was not enough to make a suit.
Abraham was unhappy with this opinion and sought another tailor.
This tailor measured Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and said, "There is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers, a coat and a vest, please come back in a week to take your suit." After a week Abraham came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor's son wearing trousers made of the same cloth.
Perplexed, he asked, "Just how could you make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when the other tailor could not make a suit only?
" "It's very simple," replied the tailor, "The other tailor has two sons."

Abraham Lincoln had a very hard childhood, he had to walk 7 miles to school everyday.

2010-05-03T20:17:00.005-07:00

Abraham Lincoln had a very hard childhood, he had to walk 7 miles to school everyday.
Well he should have got up earlier and caught the school bus like everyone else !

A. Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?

2010-05-03T20:17:00.003-07:00

A.
Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
Q.
They think their picture is being taken.

A young woman with a happy, cheerful voice was working in her husband's trucking line office.

2010-05-03T20:17:00.001-07:00

A young woman with a happy, cheerful voice was working in her husband's trucking line office.
She answered a phone call from a trucker asking for directions to the terminal.
After a short conversation, he said he could hardly wait to meet her.
"I just know you are small, blond with blue eyes," he said.
"No," young woman replied, "I'm tall, brunette and have brown eyes." "Close enough!
" said the trucker.

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. Where are you hurting?

2010-05-03T20:16:00.009-07:00

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?
" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?
" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific." The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch!
That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger." Dentist: $100.00.
Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.

A young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge.

2010-05-03T20:16:00.007-07:00

A young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge.
The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded.
"Not guilty," the woman answered emphatically.
The prosecution council then approached the woman and said: "Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed an act of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf
- who was waving a union jack
- on the roof of a car, whilst travelling at over 100mph through the center of London, in a blizzard?
" The woman composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and calmly said: "What was the date again?
"

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist.

2010-05-03T20:16:00.005-07:00

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist.
"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded.
"It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him.
And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week." "I see," nodded the psychiatrist.
"And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter." "For God's sake, NO!
" exclaimed the woman.
"I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

A young woman on a rough Atlantic crossing was in her cabin undressing then

2010-05-03T20:16:00.003-07:00

A young woman on a rough Atlantic crossing was in her cabin undressing then suddenly she was overcome by sea sickness.
In a panic she rushed into the corridor and headed for the bathroom.
It was not until she collided with an elderly gentleman that she realized she didn't have a stitch of clothing on.
Horrified, she let out a shriek.
Her fellow sufferer looked at her sadly.
"Don't let it bother you, miss," he moaned.
"I'll never live to tell anyone."

A young woman goes to her doctor complaining that the insides of her upper thighs have turned green.

2010-05-03T20:16:00.001-07:00

A young woman goes to her doctor complaining that the insides of her upper thighs have turned green.
The doctor examined her and asked her if by any chance she went out with a Romany.
When she said yes the doctor said "Well tell him his ear rings aren't real gold!
!
!
"

A young wildlife biologist got fired from his first real wildlife job.

2010-05-03T20:15:00.009-07:00

A young wildlife biologist got fired from his first real wildlife job.
Upon his return home, his parents asked him what happened.
"You know what a crew boss is?
" he asked.
"The one who stands around and watches everyone else work." "What's that got to do with it?
" they asked.
"Well, he just got jealous of me," the young biologist explained.
"Everyone thought I was the crew boss."

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show

2010-05-03T20:15:00.007-07:00

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!
"The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister!
I'm talking to that little idiot on your knee!
"

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma.

2010-05-03T20:15:00.005-07:00

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma.
One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.
The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk.
Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma.
The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?
" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma.
"I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line.
A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes.
When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered.
"But you're so old...
how do you do it?
" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny...
I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!
"

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer.

2010-05-03T20:15:00.003-07:00

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer.
The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India.
I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me.
Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us.
I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled.
The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR!
I soiled myself." The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same." The old explorer said, "No, not then
- just now when I went 'ROARRRR!
'"

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

2010-05-03T20:15:00.001-07:00

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.
"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?
" asked the captain.
"Throw out an anchor, sir." replied the naval student.
"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?
" asked the captain.
"Throw out another anchor, sir." answered the student.
"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?
" asked the captain.
"Throw out another anchor." replied the student.
"Hold on," said the Captain.
"Where are you getting all your anchors from?
" The naval student replied, "From the same place you're getting all of your storms, sir."

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work.

2010-05-03T20:14:00.007-07:00

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how."

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon.

2010-05-03T20:14:00.005-07:00

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon.
He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.
Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly.
He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot.
There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball
- and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that chal lenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

A young man was walking into town one day when a wood hauler gave him a ride.

2010-05-03T20:14:00.003-07:00

A young man was walking into town one day when a wood hauler gave him a ride.
After traveling about a mile or two, the truck was stopped by the highway patrol for a weight check and inspection.
The truck inspection revealed the truck had slick tires; no horn; no head, tail or signal lights; no windshield wipers.
Also, it was overloaded and had bad brakes.
"Mister," the patrolman said to the driver, "I think the best way to charge you is 'hauling wood without a truck.'"

A young man was strolling down a street.

2010-05-03T20:14:00.001-07:00

A young man was strolling down a street.
As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again.
Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't.
Then he spotted a hole in the wood.
He put his eye to the hole.
He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye.
As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's.

2010-05-03T20:13:00.009-07:00

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's.
He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup.
As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.
Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife.
The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh no.
We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

A young man comes home and says Dad, just got my driver's license and would like to use the family car.

2010-05-03T20:13:00.007-07:00

A young man comes home and says "Dad, just got my driver's license and would like to use the family car." Father replies, :"O.K., son.
But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair.
Come back in a few months and then we'll see." Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand.
"Dad, I got great marks on my report card.
I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape.
How about letting me use the car?
" Father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair." Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair." Father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right.
And he walked everywhere he went."

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams.

2010-05-03T20:13:00.005-07:00

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams.
"Now what should I do?
" His mother has an idea.
"Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home cooked meal?
" He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later the woman came to dinner.
His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
" I was humiliated," he groaned.
"She insisted on washing the dishes." " What's wrong with that?
" asked his mother.
" We hadn't started eating yet."

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

2010-05-03T20:13:00.003-07:00

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932.
The depth of the Great Depression.
I was down to my last nickel.
"I invested that nickel in an apple.
I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples.
I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents.
I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37." "And that's how you built an empire?
" the boy asked.
"Heavens, no!
" the man replied.
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

A young lady was conducting a study in to human sexual behavior.

2010-05-03T20:13:00.001-07:00

A young lady was conducting a study in to human sexual behavior.
She came to the conclusion that the best place to find participants for the survey would be the airport.
After three hours of questioning passengers, she sees a pilot walking to his gate.
Having heard of the reputation of pilots she stops him "Excuse me, Captain" she says, "I am doing a survey on human sexuality...I was wondering if you could answer a few questions..." The pilot agrees, and the young lady starts questioning him.
After three questions, she asks him "...and when was the last time you had sex?
".
Straight away the Captain replies "1959".
The girl was shocked.
She looks at the captain and asks "1959 isn't that a long time ago?
".
"Oh" the pilot replies "I guess so...but it's only 2015 now..."

A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed

2010-05-03T20:12:00.009-07:00

A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.
"Marry him anyway, dear." the Mother said.
"Between the two of us, we'll show him just how *wrong* he is."

A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements

2010-05-03T20:12:00.007-07:00

A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls.
When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?
" The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service".
Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?
"

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married.

2010-05-03T20:12:00.005-07:00

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says,"Okay, Ma.
Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." "That's amazing, Ma.
You're right.
How did you know?
" "I don't like her."

A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach.

2010-05-03T20:12:00.003-07:00

A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach.
The marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him, "If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."

A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally

2010-05-03T20:12:00.001-07:00

A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.
The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better." The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot." The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.
Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So?
What did you do?
" "I just shut down two engines, kid."

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot.

2010-05-03T20:11:00.007-07:00

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the construction crew
- gems in the rough, all of them
- more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks,and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week".
"My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too"?
"I will if those useless morons at the lumber yard ever bring us the f****** bricks", replied the little girl.

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening, when he finds

2010-05-03T20:11:00.005-07:00

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening, when he finds the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night.
Can you make this thing work for me?
" "Certainly," the young executive says.
He turns the machine on, inserts the paper, and presses the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!
" says the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
"I just need one copy."

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty

2010-05-03T20:11:00.003-07:00

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way.
With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.
The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable.
In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way.
The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.
He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed.
In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -
- make sure th e captain is aboard before getting under way!
"

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.

2010-05-03T20:11:00.001-07:00

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?
" "Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful!
So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying.
"But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd ever heard before!
I mean, all these awful 4-letter words!
You've got to come get me and take me home....
Please Mum!
" "Sarah," her mother said, "calm down!
Tell me, what could be so awful?
What 4-letter words?
" "Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful!
Come get me, please!
" "Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset.
Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!
" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!
"

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.

2010-05-03T20:10:00.009-07:00

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?
" "Yes," his wife replied.
"I married into the family."

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day.

2010-05-03T20:10:00.007-07:00

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day.
As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing.
He sat right on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible.
The professor announced that the test would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc.
The student looked at each set of bird legs.
They all looked the same to him.
He began to get upset.
He had stayed up all night studying, and now had to identify birds by their legs.
The more he thought about it, the madder he got.
Finally, he could stand it no longer.
He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test!
How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?
" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk an d walked out the door.
The professor was surprised.
The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name, so as the student reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what's your name?
" The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, "You guess, buddy!
You guess!
"

A young businessman rented a beautiful office and furnished it with antiques.

2010-05-03T20:10:00.005-07:00

A young businessman rented a beautiful office and furnished it with antiques.
However, no business was coming in.
Sitting there, worrying, he saw a man come into the outer office.
Wanting to look busy, he picked up the phone and pretended he was negotiating a big deal.
He spoke loudly about big figures and huge commitments.
Finally, he put down the phone and asked the visitor "Can I help you?
" The man said, "I've come to install the phone."

A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up

2010-05-03T20:10:00.003-07:00

A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late.
The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right.
"I've got a problem, Boss.
I'm stuck 'ere.
I've hit a pig!
" "Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says.
"Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark." "But he's not dead, boss.
He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss.
I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!
" "Never mind," says the boss.
"There's a .303 under the tarp in the back.
Get that out and shoot him.
Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home." "Okay, boss." Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young fella.
The boss gets back on the CB.
"What's the problem, son?
" "Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck." "What's up?
Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?
" "Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck."

A young biologist was sitting on a stump at the edge of their camp.

2010-05-03T20:10:00.001-07:00

A young biologist was sitting on a stump at the edge of their camp.
On his face was the saddest hangdog expression.
One of the other biologists saw his sad looks and asked, "What's the matter?
" The young biologist said, "They put me in the same tent with old Doctor Perkins.
He snores all night, takes a bath once a month, and talks non-stop about back when he studied passenger pigeons.
He's so damn old, I think he was a lackey for Charles Darwin.
He generally just makes my life Hell.
We had a big fight about it and they split us up for a month" The older biologist said, "That should make you happy." The young biologist sadly shook his head and said, "Not when the month is up today!
"

A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit.

2010-05-03T20:09:00.003-07:00

A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit.
So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit.
A week later he went in for his first fitting.
He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business.
As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets.
He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?
" The young man answered, "Yes, I did." To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?
"

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.

2010-05-03T20:09:00.001-07:00

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.
This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?
" The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!
"

A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing.

2010-04-04T19:06:00.009-07:00

A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing.
Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day's work.
After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant.
Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation.
His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message: "Debits in the column toward t he file cabinet.
Credits in the column toward the window."

A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night.

2010-04-04T19:06:00.007-07:00

A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night.
"There's a burglar downstairs eating the cake that I made this morning." "Who shall I call," her husband asked, "police or ambulance?
"

A woman went to the doctor and complained that she was suffering from I knee pains.

2010-04-04T19:06:00.005-07:00

A woman went to the doctor and complained that she was suffering from I knee pains.
"Do you indulge in any activity that puts a lot of pressure on your knees?
" asked the doctor.
"Every night, my husband and I have sex on the floor doggy style." "I see," said the doctor.
"You know, there are plenty of other sexual positions?
" "Not if you want to watch TV there ain't!
"

A woman went to a sweet store to buy some sweets.

2010-04-04T19:06:00.003-07:00

A woman went to a sweet store to buy some sweets.
The boy behind the counter said "Gosh, your ugly aren't you?
, I've never seen anyone so hideous as you before" "Young man" she replied.
" I didn't come here to be insulted" "Really", he said, "Where do you usually go ?
"

A woman was shopping in a fairly nice dress store.

2010-04-04T19:06:00.001-07:00

A woman was shopping in a fairly nice dress store.
Trying on a dress and liking it, she asked the salesman the price.
When he told her she launched into a tirade about prices these days, covering just about everything from housing to auto tires.
After ten minutes or so, the salesman had obviously had enuff and said, "My dear lady.
If the cost of living is so high and obviously so offensive to you, why do you bother ?
"

A woman was in court charged with wounding her husband.

2010-04-04T19:05:00.010-07:00

A woman was in court charged with wounding her husband.
"But why did you stab him over a hundred times?
" asked the judge.
"Oh, your Honor," replied the defendant, "I didn't know how to switch off the electric carving knife."

A woman was cutting her husband's thinning hair, when their teenage son arrived home looking for a snack.

2010-04-04T19:05:00.009-07:00

A woman was cutting her husband's thinning hair, when their teenage son arrived home looking for a snack.
She ofered a kiwifruit and tried to tempt him with its nutritious qualities.
"It has more vitamin C than an orange," she remarked.
"And more hair than Dad," added their son.

A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander.

2010-04-04T19:05:00.007-07:00

A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander.
"Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer.
The witness hesitated.
"But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested.
"Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge."

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

2010-04-04T19:05:00.005-07:00

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc.
and then asks, "What is your occupation?
" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no.
That will never work.
That is much too crass.
Let's try to rephrase that." The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute.".
"No, that is still too crude.
Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?
".
"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

2010-04-04T19:05:00.003-07:00

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5000.
and the interest which is $15.41.
The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us , is why would you bother to borrow $5000 ?
" The woman replied, "Where else in New York, can I park my car for 2 weeks for $15.00?
"

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

2010-04-04T19:05:00.001-07:00

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said.
"What's your secret for a long happy life?
" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said.
"I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said.
"How old are you?
' "Twenty-six," he said.

A woman telephoned her local newspaper to let them know that she had just given birth to eighteen children.

2010-04-04T19:04:00.010-07:00

A woman telephoned her local newspaper to let them know that she had just given birth to eighteen children.
The reporter didn't quite hear the message and said, "Would you repeat that?
" "Not if I can help it," replied the woman.

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.

2010-04-04T19:04:00.009-07:00

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.
The officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.
"Yes, please" she replied.
"Tell him Mother didn't come after all."

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?

2010-04-04T19:04:00.007-07:00

A woman of 35 thinks of having children.
What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.

2010-04-04T19:04:00.005-07:00

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.
"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?
" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner.
"But I have a wife and eleven children." "Is that a record?
" she inquired.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

A woman just back from Arizona was telling her friends about the trip.

2010-04-04T19:04:00.003-07:00

A woman just back from Arizona was telling her friends about the trip.
"When my husband first saw the Grand Canyon, his face dropped a mile," she said.
"Why, was he disappointed with the view?
" "No, he fell over the edge."

A woman is walking in the park when she sees a man playing chess with his cat.

2010-04-04T19:04:00.001-07:00

A woman is walking in the park when she sees a man playing chess with his cat.
She says to the man "I can't believe what I'm seeing, a cat that plays chess, what a clever animal!
!
" The man replied "Nah lady this cats not clever at all I'm beating it 6 games to 1"

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, Never mind, I'll do it myself,

2010-04-04T19:03:00.010-07:00

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her, and she gets mad, and he says, "Now what are you mad about?
" says, "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you."

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

2010-04-04T19:03:00.009-07:00

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said.
"I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said.
"Here, let me hold your monkey."

A woman got a problem with her closet door - it was felling every time a bus was passing by.

2010-04-04T19:03:00.007-07:00

A woman got a problem with her closet door
- it was felling every time a bus was passing by.
So she called a repair man.
The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by.
"OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he stepps into the closet.
At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman.
Husband: "What the hell are you doing here!
" Repairman:"Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!
"

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for

2010-04-04T19:03:00.005-07:00

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published.
After the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read 'Fred Brown died'." Confounded at the woman's thrift, the editor stammers that there is a 7-word minimum for all obituaries.
The woman pauses again, counts on her fingers and replies, "In that case, 'Fred Brown died: 1983 Pick-up for sale'."

A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral.

2010-04-04T19:03:00.003-07:00

A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral.
She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?
" But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.
When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit.
She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything.
The funniest thing happened.
As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit.
I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit.
She said that was fine with her.
So...
I switched the heads."

A woman entered the hospital to deliver her 15th child.

2010-04-04T19:03:00.001-07:00

A woman entered the hospital to deliver her 15th child.
"Congratulations," said the nurse, "but don't you think this is enough?
" The woman replied, "Are you kidding?
This is the only vacation I get each year."

A woman entered a psychiatrist's consulting room leadind a kangaroo.

2010-04-04T19:02:00.010-07:00

A woman entered a psychiatrist's consulting room leadind a kangaroo."I'm worried about my husband, doctor, " she said.
"He keeps thinking he's a kangaroo!
"

A woman decided to have her portrait painted.

2010-04-04T19:02:00.009-07:00

A woman decided to have her portrait painted.
She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant." "But you are not wearing any of those things." "I know," she said.
"It's in case I should die before my husband.
I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go nuts looking for the jewelry."

A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join her former husband, Walter Smith.

2010-04-04T19:02:00.007-07:00

A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join her former husband, Walter Smith.
Saint Peter said, "We have five million Walter Smiths.
Give us a little clue." The woman said, "My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that if I ever slept with another man he'd turn over in his grave." Saint Peter motioned an angel forward.
"Take her to Turning Walter!
"

A woman called and said, I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes.

2010-04-04T19:02:00.005-07:00

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane.
She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A woman at a gas station noticed a spaceship landing in front of her.

2010-04-04T19:02:00.003-07:00

A woman at a gas station noticed a spaceship landing in front of her.
An alien stepped out of the spaceship and started to pump gas into it.
The woman noticed the letters ''U.F.O.'' printed on the side of the ship.
She turned to the alien and asked ''Does U.F.O.
stand for Unidentified Flying Object?
'' The alien answered, ''No, it stands for Unleaded Fuel Only!
''

A woman and her lover are on the bed in the woman's home, when all of a

2010-04-04T19:02:00.001-07:00

A woman and her lover are on the bed in the woman's home, when all of a sudden, they hear the front door open and close.
"Oh, no, it's my husband!
" The man says, "Where's your back door?
" "We don't have a back door" says the woman.
The man then asks, "Well, where do you want a back door?
"

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

2010-04-04T19:01:00.010-07:00

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder.
If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
Be pleasant at all times.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal.
For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
"Don't burden him with chores.
Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse.
Do not nag him.
Most importantly, make love to him regularly.
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?
" "He said you're going to die," she replied.

A witch went into a beauty parlor and asked the assistant how much it would

2010-04-04T19:01:00.009-07:00

A witch went into a beauty parlor and asked the assistant how much it would cost to make her look like a film star.
"Nothing," replied the assistant.
"Nothing?
" she asked, "but how can I look like a film star?
" "Haven't you seen a film called The Creature from the Black Lagoon?
" replied the assistant.

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.

2010-04-04T19:01:00.007-07:00

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.
He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.
Then a new school year began.
The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered.
The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street.
Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun.
I like to see you express your exuberance like that.
In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age.
Will you do me a favor?
I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-u p job on the trash cans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them.
"From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans." The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.
A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents.
Will that be okay?
" "A lousy quarter?
" the drum leader exclaimed.
"If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts!
No way, mister.
We quit!
" And the old man enjoyed peace.

A wildlife biologist is working in the woods, miles from the nearest town.

2010-04-04T19:01:00.005-07:00

A wildlife biologist is working in the woods, miles from the nearest town.
He's camped alone with his dog and cat as his companions.
Suddenly, an old gentleman carrying a small limp dog, franticly runs into his camp.
"Please, please help me!
I think something has happened to Willie.
Our Winnebago is parked just around the bend and we've seen you camped here.
We didn't know what to do.
We thought of you because we had seen all this scientific equipment laying around here.
Can you help him?
" " Sir, I'm not a vet, I'm a wildlife biologist," the young biologist told the worried man.
"Can you please just have a look at him, I'll pay you anything you need.
I just need to know.
If he's still alive, maybe I can rush him into town." "Ok, put him here on the table." The young biologist looks the limp dog over, but its plain that the dog is dead,, no pulse or signs of breathing.
"I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid poor Willie is dead." "No, I can't believe that.....
It can't be true...are you sure?
" "Yes, I'm quite sure." "I just can't believe that....With all this equipment, isn't there something you can do?
I must be absolutely sure." The biologist called his big yellow cat over to the table.
The cat walked around the dead dog, occasionally sniffing at the carcass.
He then looks up at the biologist and let out a few weak meows.
"Well, the cat say he's dead.
Does that assure you?
" "No, I need more than that...Do you have anything else?
" The biologist calls over his big black dog.
The dog circles the body a few times, sniffing it every now and then.
After a few moments, the dog barks at the biologist.
"Well, now the dog says he's dead.
That's all I can do for you sir." "OK, well I guess its true.
I'll take him back and bury him...How much do I owe you?
" "It'll be $650 bucks." The biologist tells the old man.
"What?
?
", replied the old man, "How can you charge that much?
?
!
!
" "Well sir, I could have told you he was dead for only a dollar, but you're the one that insisted on the cat scan and the lab tests!
"

A wildlife biologist crew leader has several crews, each consisting of two biologists.

2010-04-04T19:01:00.003-07:00

A wildlife biologist crew leader has several crews, each consisting of two biologists.
The crews camped and worked in the woods and he made his rounds to visit each pair every few days.
One particular crew, Sarah and Jim, were not getting nearly as much work accomplished as the others, so he suspected that they might be up to some funny business.
The following day, he paid them a visit.
"Is anything funny going on here"?
he asked.
"What do you mean by that?
" the pair asked back.
"I mean, you're not getting much fieldwork done.
Are you two, you know, maybe doing something you're not supposed to do?
" "Absolutely not!
" the Jim replied.
" We are strictly co-workers" "Oh yes," the Sarah replied, " We hike all day, record our data, return back, and fall asleep exhausted.
"That's right!
" Jim replied, "and me in my tent, and she in hers!
" The crew supervisor spent the remainder of the day in th e field with the pair.
He left the field early, returned to camp, retrieved his Jeep and left the area.
The following day, the biologist pair had lost their $1000 GPS unit.
They searched high and low, but could not find it.
It had simply disappeared from their camp.
After a few frantic days, they suspected that the crew leader had taken it.
It was the only plausible explanation.
That evening, they called him on the 2-way radio, and politely asked weather he may have inadvertently taken the unit.
"As a matter of fact, I did take it the day I came up to see if you two were sleeping together.
After realizing I had accidentally taken it with me from the field, I placed it in Sarah's sleeping bag where she would be sure to find it!
"

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, I've got a big problem, doctor.

2010-04-04T19:01:00.001-07:00

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor." "Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell." "My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!
"

A wife was berating her husband.

2010-04-04T19:00:00.010-07:00

A wife was berating her husband.
He motioned for her to quiet down saying, "Don't unleash the beast in me." The wife snickered and replied, "Unlike a lot of women, 'dear', I'm not the least bit afraid of a mouse."

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy.

2010-04-04T19:00:00.009-07:00

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy.
The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.
At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.
As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman walking alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him.
They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.
nThey were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around.
It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!
My wife's dinner party!
" He gathered all his clothes, put them on really quickly, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.
He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.
He ran up the stairs of his apartment.
He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the stairs.
The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said
- "Come on guys, we're almost there!
"

A whole family was caught in a small boat during a sudden storm off the

2010-04-04T19:00:00.007-07:00

A whole family was caught in a small boat during a sudden storm off the shores of Florida, but towed to safety in Fort Lauderdale by the ever alert U.S.
Coast Guard.
"I always knew God would take care of us," said the composed five year old daughter of the boat owner after the family got home.
"I like to hear you say that," beamed the mother.
"Always remember that God is in His heaven watching over us." "Oh, I wasn't talking about THAT God," the five year old interrupted.
"I was talking about the COAST God."

A White man explaining to a Mexican man says that there are three words

2010-04-04T19:00:00.005-07:00

A White man explaining to a Mexican man says that there are three words the Mexican needs to know in order to be all right in the city: The White man says these words are: green, pink, and yellow.
Then the White man says ''Now tell me a sentence using all three words.'' The Mexican says ''I hear de telephona ah greena greena, I pink up de phona and say ah yellow?
"

A weather intern walks into a bar and asks for a Cold Draft.

2010-04-04T19:00:00.003-07:00

A weather intern walks into a bar and asks for a Cold Draft.
Suddenly the bar door swings open and gusty cool air fills up the bar.
After drinking his Draft things seem to get back to normal.
The guy then orders a Thunderclap on ice.
Suddenly the roof gets pelted with hail stones and an intense lightning flash and thunderous explosion rock the bar.
After drinking his Thunderclap things seem to once again get back to normal.
Feeling rather good at this point he asks for a third drink
- ordering a Tornado on the rocks.
This time the bar is not only pelted with even larger hail stones but ferocious winds rip the door off its hinges, shake the bar violently and break every window.
Feeling extra good and cocky at this point he then orders an extra large and extra strong Hurricane.
The bartender after this request looks up at the guy perplexed and says, "Sorry fella, we have no Hurricanes in Kansas".

A weather forecaster took a job in another part of the country.

2010-04-04T19:00:00.001-07:00

A weather forecaster took a job in another part of the country.
When asked why he transferred he replied, "The weather didn't agree with me."

A wealthy man sat in his attorney's office.

2010-04-04T18:59:00.010-07:00

A wealthy man sat in his attorney's office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?
" the lawyer asked.
"Give me the bad news first." "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars." "That's the bad news?
" the man asked incredulously.
"I can't wait to hear the terrible news." "It's of you and your mistress."

A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, I would like to speak with Mr.

2010-04-04T18:59:00.009-07:00

A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr.
Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours." The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted.
And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

A warrant officer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to

2010-04-04T18:59:00.007-07:00

A warrant officer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The warrant officer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again the warrant officer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter?
I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me?
" The warrant officer said, "Look I'm an warrant officer.
I dont have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

2010-04-04T18:59:00.005-07:00

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy?
" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?
" "What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?
"

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly

2010-04-04T18:59:00.003-07:00

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said.
"We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." "That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars,

2010-04-04T18:59:00.001-07:00

A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be.
The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned the house down." The violist replied, "You're kidding!
The conductor came to my house?
"

A violist and a cellist were standing on a sinking ship together.

2010-04-04T18:58:00.004-07:00

A violist and a cellist were standing on a sinking ship together.
"Help!
" cried the cellist, "I can't swim!
" "Don't worry," said the violist, "just fake it."

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field.

2010-04-04T18:58:00.003-07:00

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field.
Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?
" Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans." "You don't understand," said the preacher.
"Are you a Christian?
" With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones.
You must be lookin for Jim Christian.
He lives a mile south of here." The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?
" "Naw!
I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?
" the frustrated preacher asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?
" Thinking he had accomplished somet hing the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day." Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife.
She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."

A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine.

2010-04-04T18:58:00.001-07:00

A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine.
Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two.
One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him.
The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed.
When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors.
One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears--a male and a female.
The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover.
His friend, however, was not so lucky.
The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff.
The sheriff grabbed his hig h-powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer.
All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his friend's family.
He just had to save his friend.
Luckily, the bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!
" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male.
The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.
"What did you do that for?
!
" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!
" "Exactly," replied the sheriff.
"Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?
"